A Quick Listen

I made her a mixtape yesterday but I didn't want to call it a mixtape. I couldn't legitimately call it one because I didn't put any thought into the order of play. 

I just put a bunch of songs on two CD's and gave them to her so she could have something to listen to on her road trip. 

Last week when I first had a notion to make this (non) mixtape, I thought about really getting into it. But that would have been doing too much. That would have been one of the grand gestures that I am famous for; grand gestures that never actually work out, that always end in disappointment. 

Like I got this same girl a dozen and half roses or some shit like that for Valentines Day and she went ghost on me.

Too much. Too soon. 

I just listened to the first few seconds of the tracks and made snap judgements as to whether to include them on the CD. I already new I liked the songs, they were my library and most of them play on our station. I just tried to figure if she would like them. 

I hope she does. But then again--fuck it. Who cares.

I couldn't muster the emotional energy to do the work I intended to do yesterday. It should not have mattered to me that she was going out of town for a week. I go weeks without seeing her as it is. And we haven't actually sat and had a conversation in months. 

But there I was, sitting in the corner making a fucking mixtape (not really a mixtape) so I could give it to her for her road trip. Like I don't have a station run, articles to write, money to get. 

Just when I thought I had let go...I haven't.

She can't let go. She never held on.